Sometimes I scare myself

So, after sleeping all day after taking skinned pigs to the butcher, I decide to go play catch with Elvis Aaron and while I’m out there in the sunlight, I realize that there is blood on my sleeve, and I think, “I’ll just pretend I didn’t see that. If anyone notices, I’ll act totally surprised then faux-embarassed (while really thinking that I am so cool), totally not worth changing clothes.”

Then I remembered that it was all over one boot and thought, “Hmmm, do I need to? Nah.”

Then I saw large patches of it in a couple of places on my jeans and thought, “Okay HDD, now you actually DO have to change your clothes.”

Or do I?

I am not grossed out at all so I’m wondering if it’s gross to others. I’m basically tired and don’t give a shit and figure it’s a short period of time before I take them off and go to bed for the night so why bother.

But then my upbringing and not retired yet fashion forward brain start berating me and I see myself as an appalachian hog farmer and I think “Jesus Christ honey GO CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES!!!!!!!”

And then…


I sat down to write about it.

I am a slug

Monday: got up at 4:45, work at 5:30 (showered), busted ass making double the amount of food that I normally do because my friends that own the other place in town have decided, without asking me, that being closed on mondays is a good idea, my truck got plowed into, spent 2 hours dealing with that, stayed late to clean up, dinner out with the boys, chickens, bed

Tuesday: up at 4:45, work at 5:30, kitchen drain overflows, and I’ve got water running over the tops of my shoes, doesn’t drain until 4:30 PM!!!!, work late to clean up, chickens, dinner, bed

Wednesday: up at 4:45… batches upon batches of Gluten Free baked goods, very important meeting, fb practice, chickens, pig bloodbath, made dessert for thursday’s team dinner, bed

Thursday: up at 4:45…cleaning day in the kitchen, cook cook cook, home, team dinner, chickens, hang out with child, bed.

Friday: day off? no way, up at 5:00. dead pigs in truck, 1 1/2 hour trip to processor, leave bloody pigs, sleep on the way home, piece of toast, sleep, wake up, text son, sleep, wake up, roll over, sleep, wake up, write blog post, and….





oh what a day it was

HDD, when you have a minute…?

Uh, does it look like I am going to have a minute any time soon? I have 63 panini to George Foreman here.

So, uh, someone just hit your truck in the parking lot.

Cafe closed.

My sweet little truck got run down by a 30 foot Airstream.

The folks driving had no idea.

Once we got it all figured out who had done what, we called the Marshal who came and performed all of the rigamarole involved with an accident such as ours.

Apparently, because neither I nor my Tacoma was at fault, I was in a position of power; Marshal JS asked me if I wanted him to issue these lovely and badly shaken, retired adventurers a ticket for reckless driving, which would amount to something over $300.

Oh fuck no. Why would I want to do that? It was an accident. God knows I’ve bumped into a few things before.

Well, since you are the ‘victim’ here, it is up to you.

No. That would just be silly. And mean.

So I stepped over to say good bye and good luck to my new friends. As we were talking, the Marshal pulled aside the husband and (needlessly in my opinion) told him that I had decided not to have them issued a ticket on their vacation…

…which is really their new life since they sold their house in the Sierras and moved into their great silver palace a mere 6 weeks ago.

The man came to me with tears in his eyes: That was so kind of you. What a generous gesture.

He was so sincere and seemingly surprised.

I was just stunned that I had that kind of authority and that it was even a question.

We hugged goodbye, I wished them a safe drive and hoped that they would enjoy the National Park.

I walked back into the cafe shaking my head in amazement.

Is that what they do in the rest of the world; get vindictive and punitive?

Do they lose all sense of compassion and acceptance of the fact that humans make mistakes?

Are there actually people out there who would have said yes to the ticket?

I’m guessing, by the guy’s reaction, that there must be in the great state of California.

Sir, I am here to inform you that we, in the rural west, still have manners and integrity.


Life on the Colorado Plateau

Yesterday I sat in the bleachers at the home football game wearing jeans, a long underwear top, flannel, wool socks, work boots, wool vest, down vest, sleeping-bag-like down coat, wool scarf, and hat.

The sky was grey. Very grey.

Today, while harvesting pounds of carrots, then playing catch with Elvis Aaron, I stood barefoot in the grass, wearing a tank top.

Green grass.

Orange scrub oak.

Yellow aspen.

White snowy mountains.

Blue sky.

Hot Damn I love it here.



Sketchy drive and the feelings evoked

Utter despair are the first words that come to mind.

Yesterday I drove over the hill for a couple of appointments and to try to find the elusive pair of much needed jeans.

I ended up spending a massive amount of money on everything but jeans.

I now have lovely new placemats and napkins. We’re having friends over tonight.

Scored some Cashmere too.

Not the point of this story. Distracted once again.

As everyone around here knows, the weather has been turbulent and summer is most definitely a thing of the past.

Just as I was getting ready to head home, it began to rain. Then it became torrential. Then Biblical.

I sat in my car in the parking lot of the grocery store thinking that at least if flooding kept me from going home, I was at a place with an endless amount of food.

It wasn’t really that bad, but these days, you have to be prepared.

When I began the westward drive, the rain let up and the sun sank low enough to be right at eye level (and just below the visor).

My shitty ass, $5, fashion forward sunglasses did not make matters any better.

So the sun was in my eyes. It was still raining a bit. The road was steaming. Water was spraying back at me from every car or truck ahead of me. Each and every plant, tree, dirt speck, and guard rail was wet.

And in the breakthrough sunshine, it sparkled like a glitter cloud. All of those droplets shot refracted light right into my eyes making it almost painful to look out my cracked windshield.

(As someone commented later, “That’s when you realize that you need to Windex the inside of your windshield.” Yup.)

The road wound uphill through a canyon. There was enough water for a spontaneous hydroplane.

Then, the vehicles coming towards me coming downhill towards me had SNOW on them. It was clumped beneath their wipers and piled on their bumpers.

Snow, I tell you, SNOW.

Fucking snow.

The beautiful red and orange oaks were covered in rime.

200 feet above me, they were covered in snow.

I stopped worrying about hydroplaning and began to be concerned with black ice.


September folks, not December.

Besides, “Shit shit shit, I hope I don’t blindly slide into everything because I can’t see and I have no control over my truck at the moment,” my brain was screaming, “NONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Not yet, please not yet.

I am cold. Skinny and cold.

I am not ready for needing a fire in the wood stove.

I am not ready to shovel.

I am not ready to slide off the road.

I am not ready to fall down.

(I fall down a whole awful lot in the winter.)

They say when you feel desperation, to pray.

So I prayed with all of my heart last night, all night.

I prayed again when I woke up in the dark this morning.

And then, I waited for the brilliant sun to rise over the Menefee to the east.

And it didn’t.

8:28 and it still hasn’t.

The sky has lightened, for sure, just enough to see the heavy, dense, grey clouds ready to drop their load on my sad little head once again.

Despair. Grief. Disbelief. Anger.

And a strong sense of camaraderie with my friend who I ran into on the way to my house and verbalized all that I was feeling.

Misery loves company.


One phone call.

One text.

That’s all it took and once again, I have a glimmer of hope.

Last night I had such a big heart that I couldn’t stop smiling.

My heat is so filled with love,

and a teensy bit of relief.

I haven’t felt this in a really long time.

I didn’t realize how long until yesterday.

I think I’ll buy some Dr Dre to celebrate.