All of my life, albeit intermittently, he has been there: as a friend, as a lover, as an ex-boyfriend, playmate, breaker of my heart, and one of those people with whom 15 years of no contact makes no difference.
Obviously it’s some sort of karmic relationship – that much I know is true. He vanishes and then somehow, magically appears when I find myself single.
He does not read my blog and we are in touch with zero mutual friends. It’s an intuitive move on his part.
And here he is.
We had a real relationship years ago. He ended it (for understandable reasons), and I moved away.
We regrouped a few times, sort of…
Basically we had a handful of opportunities over the years to sleep together. It was when we lived far apart and happened to be in the same place at the same time. It never went anywhere. I finally started saying no because each time, my heartstrings got tugged.
And then, eventually I’d say yes again.
Why oh why, you might ask…
I don’t know what it is about him – soulmate, twin flame, karmic nightmare, but the pull is so unbelievably strong that I just can’t quit him.
Then, I was in a relationship with MXB and even speaking to this man felt like a betrayal, so I didn’t.
Determined to not go there again, I’ve not responded to his most recent attempts to connect. Finally, the other night I answered the phone.
Two hours later I hung up saying to myself, “Oh shit.”
I hear my own voice change – it sounds intimate. Parts of me that I have been gripping, come loose, feel free.
I feel understood – not in just a feelings sort of way, but in a very basic “I know you” way. Laughing with him is like settling into my ginormous recliner to watch the sunset.
In the years between conversations, I forget the ease, the humor, the love.
And I guess that’s what ropes me in again, time after time.
Now, I am currently not roped in, but will I be?
I want to say that I won’t go there again, but chances are, I will.
Certain of my friends will call me and lecture me – and I will absorb every word – they will be right – and wise – and yet, there’s a really good chance that I won’t listen to any of them.
And it’s not because I am desperate or lonely or even horny. It’s because it’s him