I had a moment

I’ll just be floating along, enjoying my world, enjoying a moment with TAM and suddenly, a wave of past trauma will wash over me and the tears well up and my nose starts to run and I want to scamper away and hide.

And at the same time, I want him to hold me and never let go.

It’s usually something that seems small and insignificant but when a nerve is hit, there’s no stopping the flood of emotions.

Today, after sleeping until noon, (yes, noon,) we got up and I made breakfast. While flipping flapjacks, I kept thinking that it was so nice to have had such a luxurious morning without anyone telling me that I was being lazy and needed to get up and DO something.

Then I got a call from work asking me if I could have a phone meeting this afternoon.

TAM and I had thrown around a lot of ideas for something to do today, but we just kept circling around to “we can’t really go anywhere – we’re distancing,” so hadn’t come up with anything definitive.

When I got the call, I told TAM that I had to work for a little while which meant postponing our plans to isolate.

He wasn’t mad. He said, “I’ve got plenty to do at home, just let me know when you are finished with work and we’ll meet up.”

And that rocked my world.

See, I was expecting to get in trouble. To have him get angry, blame me, let me know that he should be my number one priority and punish me for making someone else number one…even if it’s only temporary.

So the tears started running.

I have said before and I will say it again, I hate to be “oh poor me” and victimy shit. I don’t want to be the person who bursts into tears crying, “no one was ever nice to me before,” but the reality is…

And the question is, is it extra kindness or is it just how people should treat each other, and since that is so new to me that it feels extraordinary?

I got myself into those relationships and I chose to stay. Was there enough good to balance out that kind of weirdness?

Or was I just to chicken shit to leave?

Whatever it was, it became my normal, and now I don’t know how to handle it when a partner doesn’t need me to make him the center of my universe.

Writing about this helps, but I still have a bunch of feelings that popped up today that I will have to sort through before I am back on stable ground.

Amazing that a little kindness can shake me like this.

3 thoughts on “I had a moment

  1. Jim Price

    There’s this pain in the ass that’s latched onto our genes with a pitbull grip – primitive human animal. That prehistoric alpha male standing victories raising the jawbone of an ass is plastered on us. You found one that found a way to soothe the locked jaws. Brava.

  2. Katrina

    I feel you lady, it’s been more than 6 years since I left a toxic relationship and I still have those moments. They are less intense than they were are first, but they still happen.

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