meltdown

My heart is so heavy. I am totally out of sorts. I am sad – a deep, weighted sadness that made my morning walk on the Farm seem like too much effort and relieved none of the grief.

I’ve been okay up until now. I’ve rather enjoyed the bubble that TAM and I have created for our quarantine. It’s so peaceful that it’s hard to imagine the world as anything else.

We’ve spent so many hours watching the earth come alive with the spring, with human beings out of the way. The fecundity of his farm has led me to believe that we will all be fine.

Look at how filled with vitality the world is; we’ll totally bounce back.

Then, yesterday, everything lined up to create the perfect storm in my heart.

I realized what a shit show we are living in.

I get it (finally) that there is a new normal – that things are changing in ways that I could never have imagined.

Our reality of masks and fear and animosity and anger and grief and loss and loneliness and sickness and often, hostility crushed me.

And I am not bouncing back today.

It feels like a black cloud is moving in. Depression. The kind of depression that settles in like a weighted blanket, creating inertia and making it hard to breathe.

I am afraid.

I am afraid of getting sick and dying. I’m selfish that way. And of course, I pray that none of my own will get terribly sick, but that’s not what this fear is about.

This is a deep-seated dismay that we are living a dystopian nightmare – at least it feels like one. I hate seeing what is happening amongst the people in our world, in my county.

I am afraid of what people are doing to each other. I imagine that this, this unkind, harsh, lonely world is our new normal.

I am saddened that this is the world that my children are living in when they are at the age when they should be out having adventures.

I hurt that I can’t hug and love on my children.

I often think that I will miss these days of quietude with TAM, that I will some day wish for this slow pace to return.

Up until yesterday I believed that this was a temporary blip, but my optimism has been torn away and I feel lost.

I feel safe when I am with my pack, the dogs and TAM, but I have none of those feelings when I go to Walmart.

I feel unsafe when I see my community beginning to attack each other rather than working together.

Lord of the Flies on Facebook.

It distresses me when a store clerk intentionally disrespects my boundaries just to prove a point.

I am devastated when I hear my neighbors saying that they wish the Navajo grocery shoppers would stay on the rez.

Bigotry and hostility abound.

We are lost and floundering and afraid and at risk.

There is not one single person on this planet not being affected by this virus.

And as much as everyone prophesizes about what it will all look like when this is over, we don’t know.

We have no fucking clue.

And that is so unsettling it shakes me to my core.

 

 

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