For some reason, I still feel the need to not shit talk the people around me who have recently shown their true colors.
I think I’m doing it out of integrity, but who knows. Maybe I’m doing it out of fear – fear that these people won’t like me?
That would be stupid given the circumstances.
And not out of the realm of possibility
I do know, and I used to tell my ex-husband this all of the time, if you don’t want people to know what you are doing, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it.
Or, “Don’t give me so much to write about.”
All I know is that there is a major storm raining down and if I am to be honest about my life, I have to share a few little bits – drips and drabs so to speak – primarily for my readers’ understanding.
So here goes:
The person who said, “I’m not your person,” when I called from the hospital.
The friend that dropped me like a hot potato to pursue MXB so immediately after the breakup that he and I were still sharing a bed.
The friend who comes in to my work and instead of saying hi, skulks out without making eye contact.
Or the friend, whose first words upon hearing of my son’s accident were “He’d better have learned his lesson,” not “Holy shit, poor kid, I can’t imagine what he’s going through right now.”
As if my son doesn’t care one whit about what happened and how fortunate they all are.
And let’s not forget the good friends from whom I have not heard one single word since all of this began.
One might say to me, “This is about them, not you.”
A person might also say, “Get over it, you’ve got much bigger things to deal with.”
Or, “Those people don’t matter, you know who your real friends are.”
Or, “You are so loved, don’t let any of that shit get in your way.”
Or my kids might (did) say, “Those people are not your community, Mom. You’re a real member of the real Mancos. We know how to treat our neighbors.”
And yes, I can hear all of those things, and on a good day, I can see all of those truths.
But those people and their actions have hurt me so deeply; have made this breakup, loss of a life built together, loss of stability, giardia starvation, and accident thing a whole lot more difficult.
I have felt pain in my very core.
And the worst part is that all of the comments, actions, and inactions, have also hurt my children; they too are being shut out and unsupported.
And, it’s given them yet another reason, like they needed more, to worry about their mother.
I know that festering and harboring resentments and taking everything personally isn’t helping the situation. I am trying my damnedest to find compassion and forgiveness; it’s hard.
I can also admit that probably no one has done anything to intentionally hurt me or the boys, but there is a careless, insensitive, lack of integrity that abounds here that just doesn’t work for me or my family.
So, now that that little bit is out there, I feel like I will be able to share, more openly and honestly, a little more of who I am at this moment.