I have a lot of days off from work right now, many of which I have spent sleeping, eating, reading, and sleeping again.
I get panicky that I haven’t “done anything” over break so I go into a tailspin and try to cram in a bunch of activities. Then, I go into a tailspin because I am not at home, taking advantage of the alone-time and writing the Great American Novel.
In-my-head is a hard place to live.
Saturday morning I left the house to go run a few errands and see a noon movie with a friend. The plan was to return home immediately after the film so that I could have part of the afternoon at home alone.
After the movie and strolling around town and a trip to TJ Maxx, I arrived home at 6:00 pm, after my children.
So Sunday was going to be a visit to MCB at his jobsite and a hike from there, then back home to wrap up my masterpiece.
Or start it.
When I arrived at his workplace, I was offered Prime Rib for lunch (with Green Chili). Suddenly I was frozen; I was spontaneous yesterday – could I handle 2 days in a row?
But lunch sounded so good, as did a little bit of extra time with MCB.
“You can hike afterwards,” he suggested.
No, no I can’t. I can’t because I only allotted a certain amount of time away from my quiet house and if I take the time to eat, then I won’t have time to hike and still get home before I turn into a pumpkin.
I ate. I mean really, who could turn down prime rib with chili?
After lunch I stood by my truck, totally stymied. It was a beautiful day – was I really going to blow a day in the canyons because I was inflexible? Was I going to choose being an introverted, hermitish, homebody over slickrock?
I was facing west as I pondered.
I gazed out at the horizon, steeped in indecision, and thought, “Utah is right there.”
And I jumped in the truck and drove, calling out the window, “If I’m not home by morning…”
See, I can be totally spontaneous. I can fly where the winds blow me. I can embrace adventure.
Besides, it was quiet time in the car – or almost quiet – Tchaikovsky, sun on the sandstone, blue sky forever, and I didn’t say a word to anyone for the entire trip.
I had been struggling with sadness that morning and with each step, the sadness slid off of me and I felt ecstatic.